Can A Cup O’ Joe Make Your Man A ‘Ho’?

Photo from Prince.org

by Jenny Hansen

I make some wicked good coffee. My pals scarf my java up and a few years ago, one of my neighbors, Clair, asked what I was doing with my coffee that she wasn’t doing with hers. She was moping so I gave her all the tools. I even told her what kind of beans I use.

Then one morning she knocked on my door with a wild look in her eye. “My coffee is still crap! I NEED SOME COFFEE.”

I pulled her in and poured her a cup and, once she’d calmed down, we made a pot together. Her problem: she wasn’t grinding long enough. (Get your mind out of the gutter…all that comes later in the story.)

Clair’s coffee didn’t cross my mind again until I got THIS call on my way home from work:

Clair: Are you sitting down? Because I’ve got a story for you. You need to put this one in your blog.

Me: That’s what they all say.

Clair: One of my vendors — Maurice — stopped by with some tile samples today. He hadn’t been here since Shiny Man moved out.

Jenny Note: Shiny Man is her Ex-Dude. During their break up chat, he spoke about himself in the third person. (Example: It’s time for Randy to SHINE. Randy’s gonna go to Vegas and shine. He is always referred to now as “Shiny Man” or “Mr. Sparkles.”)

Clair: I made some coffee and we caught up. Then he asked me if I was dating anyone. I told him I wasn’t really dating, that my focus was on school. I’m telling you, Jen, his whole demeanor changed. He tilted his head down and leaned in. Then he said, in this deep Elvis-y kind of voice: But you’ve got NEEDS, don’t you?”

Me: Shut up, he did NOT say that!

Clair: Oh, but he did. Then he laid out a whole “friends with benefits, no strings” scenario.

Me: This guy is MARRIED?!!

Clair: Yup.

Me: Bastard!

Clair: Yup.

Me: Then what happened?

Clair: I told him I had to get to school and I’d walk him out.

Me: Hysterical laughter

Clair: Oh, it gets worse.

Me: (Thinking “Thank God I’m stuck in traffic or I’d have to pull over.”) How could it get worse than Married Maurice propositioning you in your kitchen?

Clair: After I walked him out through the security gate, he called my name when I was back inside. When I turned around he was barreling toward me, so I thought he forgot something.

Me: And?

Clair: And…he skidded up to the gate, pointed to his groin and said: “But I’ve got a really great tool. I could take good care of you.”

Me: Like, “Me love you long time?” *Crowing with laughter* He actually pointed to his crotch and said— (Speech failed me.)

Clair: He actually pointed.

Me: So what did you do?

Clair: I doubled over laughing.

Me: Oof. That’s kind of a tool-breaker for a dude. Did he say anything?

Clair: I don’t know. I was laughing too hard. I just kind of waved my hand and he left.

I took a deep breath and dug for more details: Has he ever propositioned you before?

Clair: No.

Me: Indicated that he was attracted to you?

Clair: Friendly flirting, but nothing like this before. He’s always been a perfect gentleman.

Me: Hmmm. So all this happened, what…in the ten or fifteen minutes he was in your house?

Clair: Yes. I can’t figure out what got him started.

Me: More laughter. That must have been some cup of coffee.

Clair: You think it was the COFFEE??!

Me: Had you ever offered him any before?

Clair: No.

Me: Congratulations. Apparently you make some aphrodisiac coffee. I think you should offer it to any man you WANT to sleep with. Keep it away from the others.

The moral of this story:

  • If you’re married, don’t go propositioning single women. It’s tacky and they will TRASH you to their friends. (Same advice goes for married women.)
  • Using the word “Tool” as part of any seduction line is guaranteed to make a woman pee her pants laughing.

You don’t think coffee will turn the normally-staid object of your affection into a Sexy Beast? Watch Joel McHale in this “Sexy Coffee” video and THEN tell me what you think!

What surprise aphrodisiacs have you encountered while dating? When you stock your pantry for a romantic evening, what’s on your shopping list? Have you ever received a proposition like Clair’s? Continue the discussion at the #SocialIn hashtag on Twitter or SocialInDC on Facebook!

~ Jenny

About Jenny Hansen

By day, Jenny provides training and social media marketing for an accounting firm. By night she writes humor, memoir, women’s fiction and short stories. After 18 years as a corporate software trainer, she’s delighted to sit down while she works.

When she’s not at her personal blog, More Cowbell, Jenny can be found on Twitter at JennyHansenCA or at Writers In The Storm.

© 2014 Jenny Hansen. All content on this page is protected by copyright. If you would like to use any part of this, please contact me at the above links to request permission.

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